Okay so I did end up eating yesterday. And I also had some juice (I’ve been drinking only water for a while) But let me tell you right now…at this moment in the time space continuum…my stomach HATES me. That may be TMI to be sharing at 6 am but hey, sh!t happens and right now…actually let’s not get into that. This was just an update on how I ate yesterday. Not too sure about today though. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes…
I’m so hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten in forever. Probably because I haven’t eaten in forever. I think in the beginning I wasn’t eating because I was depressed. I didn’t have an appetite because I was so sad. Then I went to the doctor and before my appointment I had to be weighed. I saw that I was within three pounds of my first goal. Apparently something clicked in my head that not eating helped me to get that far so I might as well keep going with that. The crazy thing is I know this isn’t right but I still refuse to eat. Now instead of crying over problems, I’m crying because I’m so hungry and too dumb to eat. I’m so over sad Natt. She’s in the way. I feel like a happy me wants to break through but something keeps holding me back. Like being sad and not eating is a punishment to myself. And why? Who am I hurting but myself? Nobody doesn’t care. (I realize that was a double negative, it’s cool, calm down) Nobody is fine, full, and happy. Meanwhile back at the bat cave, I’m starving. Ugh, I guess I’ll go attempt to eat something. Update on how that goes later…
Man, today started out bad. Lots and lots of crying. I’m so over crying. I had to drag myself outside today. I figured I needed to do something after pretending to be asleep just so I wouldn’t eat. Who does that? So I left the house to look for a battery for my scale. While I was out something clicked. I don’t think I care. There’s been a situation bothering me for a while and all of a sudden, I don’t think I care! Hopefully it stays like this. I would rather not care about the situation than stress about it honestly… Just got off the phone with a friend who couldn’t hold their opinion if their life depended on it 😄 and they basically said what I was thinking. F$?&’em. It’s late but I really do feel a little better.
Currently listening to the kid’s mix on Spotify (don’t judge me) this is making me feel better too. ✌️
So today seems to be going ok so far. I’ve been up since 5 am. Decided to try listening to music again. So far it’s ok. Had a couple of knots in my stomach on some songs. I’m currently listening to Bebe & Cece Addictive Love album. But my playlist are all over the place. It’ll be Kirk Franklin, Yolanda Adams, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Fred Hammond, T-Pain, Drake, then back to Gospel. Whatever it’s working right now. The song I’m listening to right now features Hammer and for some reason he keeps rolling his R’s. And it also sounds like auto tune. (7:33a)
(9:49p) So I’m finally attempting to eat something today, strawberry yogurt. I haven’t even eaten half of it and I’m already over it. I think I’m just eating it because my mom looks worried about me. All I really wanna do is go to bed. Should be easy now that I’ve pulled myself away from Pinterest. QUESTION: does depression also make someone really irritable? Cause this mouse/cursor is pissing me off. It keeps jumping all over the screen and crap, ugh. Maybe I just need some rest;
Depression : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Fast forward to last week. This time seemed different. I didn’t feel sad coming on. This time there was no warning. It just hit me all at once. I was angry, super sad, confused, sick, anxious, and at the same time empty. Sleep became my best friend again. After the first two days of dealing with uncontrollable crying, I figured I had to get my thoughts not to work against me. So everyday I have my earbuds in listening to “The Read” a hilarious and sometimes informative podcast. I tried listening to music but every song gives me a different memory. I also watch Lilly Singh aka iiSuperwomanii on YouTube. Her happy unicorn attitude is always uplifting.