Food II

Okay so I did end up eating yesterday.  And I also had some juice (I’ve been drinking only water for a while) But let me tell you right now…at this moment in the time space continuum…my stomach HATES me. That may be TMI to be sharing at 6 am but hey, sh!t happens and right now…actually let’s not get into that. This was just an update on how I ate yesterday. Not too sure about today though. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes…

Food

I’m so hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten in forever. Probably because I haven’t eaten in forever. I think in the beginning I wasn’t eating because I was depressed. I didn’t have an appetite because I was so sad. Then I went to the doctor and before my appointment I had to be weighed. I saw that I was within three pounds of my first goal. Apparently something clicked in my head that not eating helped me to get that far so I might as well keep going with that. The crazy thing is I know this isn’t right but I still refuse to eat. Now instead of crying over problems, I’m crying because I’m so hungry and too dumb to eat. I’m so over sad Natt. She’s in the way. I feel like a happy me wants to break through but something keeps holding me back. Like being sad and not eating is a punishment to myself. And why? Who am I hurting but myself?  Nobody doesn’t care. (I realize that was a double negative, it’s cool, calm down) Nobody is fine, full, and happy. Meanwhile back at the bat cave, I’m starving. Ugh, I guess I’ll go attempt to eat something. Update on how that goes later…

About today…

Man, today started out bad. Lots and lots of crying. I’m so over crying. I had to drag myself outside today. I figured I needed to do something after pretending to be asleep just so I wouldn’t eat. Who does that? So I left the house to look for a battery for my scale. While I was out something clicked. I don’t think I care. There’s been a situation bothering me for a while and all of a sudden, I don’t think I care! Hopefully it stays like this. I would rather not care about the situation than stress about it honestly… Just got off the phone with a friend who couldn’t hold their opinion if their life depended on it 😄 and they basically said what I was thinking. F$?&’em. It’s late but I really do feel a little better.

Currently listening to the kid’s mix on Spotify (don’t judge me) this is making me feel better too. ✌️

One day at a time

So today seems to be going ok so far. I’ve been up since 5 am. Decided to try listening to music again. So far it’s ok. Had a couple of knots in my stomach on some songs. I’m currently listening to Bebe & Cece Addictive Love album. But my playlist are all over the place. It’ll be Kirk Franklin, Yolanda Adams, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Fred Hammond, T-Pain, Drake, then back to Gospel. Whatever it’s working right now.  The song I’m listening to right now features Hammer and for some reason he keeps rolling his R’s. And it also sounds like auto tune. (7:33a)

(9:49p) So I’m finally attempting to eat something today, strawberry yogurt. I haven’t even eaten half of it and I’m already over it. I think I’m just eating it because my mom looks worried about me. All I really wanna do is go to bed. Should be easy now that I’ve pulled myself away from Pinterest. QUESTION: does depression also make someone really irritable? Cause this mouse/cursor is pissing me off. It keeps jumping all over the screen and crap, ugh. Maybe I just need some rest;

Depression sucks…

I’m not even sure how to start talking about this. I usually just keep everything bottled up inside of me.  But maybe actually telling at least a little bit of my story will help someone else who is battling depression. You are not alone.

Depression :  a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

I think I’ve been depressed from a young age. I just didn’t know what it was called. I just always remember being sad. Yes I’m pretty sure I had a great childhood but there was always something that wasn’t there. It wasn’t until high school when it got worse (that doesn’t sound right, please excuse my grammar.) Skip ahead a couple years, I started working and I hated my job. I would get sick just thinking about going in. There was even a time when I thought “if I just crash my car into a ditch or something, then I won’t have to go in.” Isn’t that nuts? That was the day I decided to see a doctor. But all he did was prescribe some pills (I don’t like to take meds)

Fast forward to last week. This time seemed different. I didn’t feel sad coming on. This time there was no warning. It just hit me all at once. I was angry, super sad, confused, sick, anxious, and at the same time empty. Sleep became my best friend again. After the first two days of dealing with uncontrollable crying, I figured I had to get my thoughts not to work against me. So everyday I have my earbuds in listening to “The Read” a hilarious and sometimes informative podcast. I tried listening to music but every song gives me a different memory. I also watch Lilly Singh aka iiSuperwomanii on YouTube. Her happy unicorn attitude is always uplifting.

 
I sometimes wake in the middle of the night and think “I think I’m good, I feel like I’m finally getting back to myself” but when the alarm goes off, the sad clocks in. It’s hard to get going in the morning. My kids help a lot. I know I have to get them ready and that takes my mind off of things for about an hour. I can totally be in mommy mode when I need to be. But then they go to school and I feel sad again. 
 
I have no interest in the things I used to love. I am Queen of devices. But my phone, ugh, I hate my phone now. I hate the fact that it rings and doesn’t ring. Doesn’t even make sense right? People call or text but not the one or two people I want to call. I deactivated facebook. I don’t use Instagram right now. I do however use Tumblr. Mostly because I don’t have any actual friends on that site. Like people who actually know me. I could sit and watch Harry Potter movies like I’ve never seen then before but not anymore. Video games used to be my go to for stress relief, but now even that has some unwanted memory attached to it. The crazy thing about that is that i purchased a new gaming system because of “he who shall not be named” recommendation. * side eye * Oh, and food. Bruh listen… I LOVE food but right now I just don’t want to eat. I mean i kinda want to…i think i’m hungry…  but as soon as i think about eating that lump of nothing in my throat makes me feel as though I’ll vomit if I try to swallow anything. I try to eat a little something at least once a day now. But after a couple bites i’m done.
 
I really hope this down time doesn’t last very long. I’m trying…i really am. And it’s not like i wanna feel this way. But it happens some times. And it’s okay not to be okay. If you wanna live in your hurt and sadness do it. Take a day, maybe two and get it all out. Cry your eyes out, curse a muthafucka out. Do what makes you feel better… i don’t however recommend self harm. I’ve never done it cause I can’t see cutting myself on purpose. But I guess I understand why some people do it. I have gotten tattoos and/or piercings during or right after down time. So I don’t know, I guess just because I don’t do it personally doesn’t me that it’s not self harm. 
 
Anyway I’m sitting outside of the doctors office right now. I made an appointment for a migraine, that I don’t have. I only said that because I was too scared to tell them the real reason over the phone. My stomach is in knots just thinking about telling her what I’m really here for. But I’m sure asking for help will help some.
 
If you are suffering from depression seek help. Talk to a close friend, family member, or a doctor. Google a support group in your area.  It’ll be okay. You are loved. You are liked. You have a purpose in life.
If you know someone suffering from depression reach out to them. Let them know you care. They may not want to talk but just knowing that someone actually cares will help a lot;
 
24 hour Crisis Line  1-800-273-TALK
                                1-800-SUICIDE